A Psychologist? For Me?

I am not eating, I am not sleeping. I make triple appointments, forget and/or lose important things and all this happens at the most unhelpful of moments. Work, children, house, friends…it’s just too much for me. Since THE moment on the motorway I have the dreaded feeling that at any moment everything is going to collapse around me. To put it briefly, it’s time to take Fiancee’s advice and listen to what he’s been saying over the last few weeks.

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I pick up my phone and start to enter the phone number. But as I’m half way through, I stop. What if Doctor F finds me to be a whinge? What if he actually diagnoses that I have brain tumour (which will be the perfect explanation form y ill-working grey matter)? What if he confirms that I am crazy and withdraws me from society? What if….?

I press the green icon. It rings. We shall see. Daughter with ear infection must wait two days and yet, I today, can get an appointment straight away. Shit. I am really not looking forward to this.

Once sitting opposite Doctor F, I start to tremble with tears. I am shocked by myself. No trickling tears down my cheeks. No, the real waterworks. Hysterical, blubbering sobs. Doctor F. doesn’t seem very impressed, which strangely calmes me down (I must remember this for when daughter C is next hysterical). After hiccuping, I tell him my story….which comes down to the fact that my daily life is a bit of a mess. Things that can go wrong, actually all go wrong.

Doctor F takes a look at the results from the Cardiologist. Can’t find anything unusual there.

She asks me if the symptoms are similar to those when I had a slight post-natal dip after the birth of daughter C. I shake my head. Doctor F thinks deeply (it looks that way anyhow) and she comes to the shocking conclusion – it is time for a psychologist.

I hold my breath …a PSYCHOLOGIST? During my depression I have seen a psychiatrist. But this was simple and only in order to pick-up and check the success of the happy pills.

Do I really have to go and see someone to ………..TALK?

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Auteur: Renske Kaldewaij

Ella Ebeling is de creatie van schrijver en journalist Renske Kaldewaij. Net als Ella is Renske 38 jaar oud, ruim zeven jaar verloofd en moeder van drie kinderen. De verhalen zijn deels autobiografisch, deels verzonnen.

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